i wanted him fully and slowly, needed his warm approval, interest, his ignorance of my flaws, his shock and awe at my lack of self-confidence, his unability to understand why i would ever for one minute doubt myself surging ahead into a shining future one in which i would look as i always do to icons, Big men and women who see obstacles to their goals and choose to laugh at them. i wanted him to understand that that day i crossed the criscrossing sidewalks barefoot from the pain i was walking towards him although he'd already walked away from me i wanted him to know that my feet on the cool cement stood under a mountain of certainty that i could take his cynicism his yearning for youth his goading his uncertainties i could take them all into me and not skip a beat because i could see his beauty. he could see mine better and i knew as i drove him away that i'd be running toward him not even barefoot but breaking all the same as he took away the clearest glimpse of my self.
i want him but i cannot have him just now and so i have to be all of those things for myself